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“We may not have snakes in New Zealand now, but we have just found huge deposits of snake oil. It turns out what we’ve been needing this whole time is not cheap renewables, but cheap snake oil. And we now have an almost biblical bounty that we must burn to ensure our continued prosperity.”

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While attempts to find more domestic gas have been fruitless, current gas reserves are declining at a rapid rate, and petrol and diesel prices have skyrocketed as a result of the conflict in Iran, Casey says the vast snake oil deposits have completely solved these problems.

He has also been collecting his rubbish and the biomethane he will generate from it will be able to power the entire South Island.

“We are all about energy sovereignty here at Refuelling Aotearoa, so it’s good I can contribute. Just one third of all LPG is now imported and all of our petrol and diesel comes in on ships - hopefully - that help grow the energy systems of other sovereign nations. That’s classic energy sovereignty right there. We’ve relied on ships for ages. And that’s why we think ships and snakes are our best bet for energy security.”

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Casey points out that grass is also New Zealand-made energy, so the organisation will be shifting its focus away from electrifying as many of the country’s 4.3 million petrol and diesel light vehicles as possible and ensuring the horse and carriage is brought back to dominance on our roads.

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“We will also be trying to bring back whale oil for all our lamps. There will be a few deaths and many health problems from the toxic cetacean and serpent fumes in homes, but obviously we’ll make sure we tell people to crack a window to avoid too many issues. Snake oil, whale oil and grass-powered horses are how we’ll fuel a modern, innovative economy.”

Casey says that for too long he has relied on his own personal experience as a cherry orchardist who runs 21 electric machines, creates around 90% of the energy he needs to operate his business on the farm, and saves around $50,000 every year by avoiding diesel.

He says he has also been led astray by the almost universally positive stories from thousands of New Zealanders in communities who are saving thousands every year and slashing their emissions by installing solar, upgrading their gas hot water systems or buying electric vehicles.

“They’re obviously being paid by anti-snake people.”

Snake oil has been shown to create absolutely quite a few emissions when burned.

“But it’s fine because I heard on YouTube that it actually helps plants grow,” says Casey. ”Isn’t nature amazing! I find the people going on about climate change exhausting. Just because 99.9% of the peer reviewed research supports the need for us to get off fuels, and the increasing intensity and frequency of storms is costing our economy billions, doesn't mean a V8 running off snake oil isn’t cool.”  

Casey says he has always loved the “sweet, sweet smell of expensive petrol in the morning” and regularly daubs it on his Swanndri before important meetings. He also uses a diesel-based face scrub every day to keep his skin glistening.

“This was my secret shame when I was CEO of Rewiring Aotearoa. But now I can embrace it as the CEO of Refuelling Aotearoa. It smells like the future.”

On reflection, Casey says Rewiring Aotearoa’s definition of New Zealand-made energy was foolish and its goals were impossible to achieve.

“I have never heard of new technologies coming along and overtaking older technologies. It just doesn’t happen. New Zealand, a tiny nation at the bottom of the world with huge snake oil deposits, relatively convenient access to whale oil (unless you’re a whale), lots of grass, and declining gas reserves, needs to double down on the kind of New Zealand-made energy you can import, burn or feed to horses. The direction of travel is clear: things are about to go up in flames and there’s going to be about as much ‘abundant oil and gas’ as there would be after a night on the loaded nachos at my local Tex Mex restaurant.”

Casey says the decision to change the organisation’s name and focus has nothing to do with the two-week, all-expenses paid trip to the Cayman Islands he was taken on by his “trusted friend” Old Man Gas, the anonymous $200 million donation that came with a request to ‘please shut up about all this electric stuff’, or the promise of ‘north of a billion’ for a new snake oil import terminal just in case the domestic snake oil runs out earlier than expected.

The annual general meeting of Refuelling Aotearoa will take place at 11:59 am on April 1.

*For more information on the real New Zealand-made energy strategy, click here.

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